Sunshine

I ate at my desk today and then when it was my lunch hour, around 1:15, I sat on a bench and read a library book for 45 minutes.  The weather has been glorious the last few days and I'm soaking up the sun when I can! I've cut the grass twice in the last 3 weeks and that always puts me in a good mood. Yes, I'm weird that way. We have three acres, and being on the tractor in the sun and the breezes and the swallows swooping over me occasionally just makes me happy. 

Time on the tractor gives me a chance to think and not speak for awhile.  A couple of days ago while zooming around on the tractor, I got to thinking about my son, and feeling bad that we hadn't spoken to him in about a week.  And soon we might only talk to  him once a month. And who knows how hurried those conversations will be?  Then I had an epiphany of sorts.  Maybe he WANTS to call us more but it makes him feel bad when he does.  Like maybe it reinforces the idea that we won't have many more chances to talk soon and he's trying not to get emotional about it.  He's not overly emotional, but he definitely is a feeling and semi-sappy person, much like his parents.  And I also wondered if he ever feels scared.  Scared of what he's facing in the months ahead. I could never bring myself to ask him if he is. Truly, I don't want to know the answer.  My gut tells me he is, maybe just a little.  But he's a soldier and an officer and he has to not show any fear. 

Sometimes I worry myself so much about this whole upcoming deployment that I think I'm going to be paralyzed with fear, and unable to much to keep busy and push bad thoughts away from the forefront of my brain.  That would make my son very upset if he thought I was unable to be productive. I'm busy almost all the time.  Knitting, cooking, walking the dogs, quilting, reading, anything to make sure that I'm being productive.  I hate idle hands.  So to keep those thoughts at bay, and to honor my son's sacrifices in being away from his wife and all manner of comforts, including laughing and goofing around with his dad and me, I WILL be busy!  I will not wallow!  I am going to make him proud, just like he makes ME proud every.single.minute.