Healing

Five weeks ago (minus one day) I had a partial knee replacement.  I'm back to work as of Monday of this week and I'm doing very well.  I go to therapy three times a week, but after next Friday those appointments will end (insurance) and I'll be on my own for stretching, moving, bending, working that left knee.  I like therapy. It feels very positive to be there and the (mostly) women who help me are really great.  So it's been a very good thing to have this done, but I've got a long way to go to be completely healed.  I don't mind. I like solving health problems and getting good outcomes. I know lots of people have horror stories of bad outcomes, but I'm glad not to count myself among them.

Currently my husband is in a crisis mode at work.  After getting very good performance reviews two years in a row and raises both times, suddenly this year they are nitpicking and finding fault and making him do menial jobs and giving lots of his work to younger members of his department.  They've got him on a performance improvement plan and he feels nearly certain they are going to let him go at the end of this 45 day plan (or is it 90 days? He's gotten nothing in writing and that's only one more feature of this whole nightmare). The thought of having to find a new job at his age is very intimidating and nerve-wracking.  I'll be 56 in a couple of weeks - he already is 56.  He looks older if I'm being honest. His mustache is white and he's balding and mostly silvery hair.  If we have to move away from our house that we had built to our design specs, and the gorgeous west-facing view we have, plus the patio he built and the perennial garden and our vegetable garden and his beekeeping - well, a sadder day can not be imagined right now.  It's hard to stay positive in the face of a possible job loss. I'm praying like an insane woman at night. I'm not sleeping very well, and neither is he.  This bullshit is just not fun.  I know there are lots of people in worse positions, financially or medically.  I am not unsympathetic.  But I am realistic.  This is what we are experiencing.  This is what is our life right now.  I wish I could see through the haze and know what is ahead of us.  Everyone wishes that.  Why should we get to know?  We won't.  We'll accept.  Above all of this, though, I do have a strong faith that God won't let anything really terrible happen to us.  I'm trying to keep an open mind, really.  But I'd be lying if I didn't say it's going to really, really hurt if we have to leave here.